Baggs Letters
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These are letters Betty Baggs Hutton wrote her deceased husband Buck and
Dr. McIver. They were transcribed verbatim.

The ďExĒ was on the stationary she used and signify nothing.

Comments about ďmyĒ (Dr. McIverís) dog refer to a large bloodhound she wanted to get rid of, she knew I liked dogs.  It was a standing joke.

Ex. 1 2:AM
Well, Honey,
I went to the doctor with an ear infection.  Wound up with them trying to put me in mental hospital.  You know how that would scare me.  I would really be a basket case, if I went.  I know Iím one in a way, but they canít make me give you up.  They donít seem to understand our kind of love.  I think Iíll go back to not talking about our life, maybe then theyíll leave me alone.  I know how they almost drove us both round
Ex. 2 the bend permently with their hypnosis and therapy before we got them figured out.  I was really shocked when they said Dr. McIver said I should go.  That hurt.  Wonder where they think the money would come from.  I just have enough left to pay a heart specialist to check the records now.  Greco bitched about the paper work he had to do so I gave him $100, then was so mad I didnít get a receipt.  Some commission XXXX isnít it.  Need some good advice.

Ex.3 Tuesday
Took too many Elavil, took and Benadryl at 9:00pm.  3 long distance phone calls that I donít remember.  Thought kids were her.  Talked to them, was mad at them for some reason.  Next morning still talking to them, cleared up in about 1 hour.  Wednesday, took Elavil about 9:00pm, then took 1 Benadryl at 11: was dreaming again in 15 to 20 mins.  Put myself to bed, went to sleep, woke up okay.  Thurs., except canít write good because hands are so shaky.  Legs feel weak & tingly.  Talk better.  What to do?  Feel clammy all over right now and weak shaky.

Well, Doc Iím getting pretty damn bored with me.  Iím lousy company.  Made the mistake of looking in the mirror on the last trip to the throne.  Death warmed over.  My ears hurt, jaw hurts, head hurts.  Fat buttís getting damn sore too.  Am living on Diet 7-up will probably gain, my poor old body only know one way to go, thatís bigger.  You should have seen me the other day.  Was sitting at the table, reached over to the fridge to get a 7-up.  Got all off kilter and landed on my butt.
Ex.5 Chair went over, table tipped, thought the Fridge was gonna fall on me.  Got some more black and blue.  If I had a brain Iíd take it out and play with it.  Well, hell, didnít look any better this trip.  Am on second bottle of Pepto Bismal.  The lady next door went to the store or more 7-up.  And got my mail, just a bunch of (you owe us a letter) and I do owe everyone a letter.  Buck wrote all the letters here, even to my parents.  Gotta go again.  Later

Ex.6  4:00AM
Well, here we are again wide awake and in misery.  I should be a night watchmen.  Though I still think running a whorehouse would be more interesting.  One of my brotherís ex-wives got run out of King City for setting one up years ago.  He married her twice.  She said she loved him, but he just wasnít enough.  Sheís been legally married 8 or 9 times.  Busy life.  Sheís now moving down the road from his last ex.  That could be interesting.  Just took 2 more pain pills.  My ears hurt terribly.

Ex.7  I think my ears are going to break. Everything hurts so much. Have taken some of everything in the house. If Trooper doesnít quit howling Iím gonna shoot him. My nerves are just about shot. If I live through this night, it wonít be my fault. Buck had so much more pain than Iíve ever had, itís no wonder he worried more about living with it then dying. I need him to hold tonight. It always helped some.

Ex8.  Letter of importance
Dear Dr. McIver,
The only thing you donít have to pay income tax on this year is your pecker.  The reason for this is, 75% of the tie itís just hanging around XXXX played.  10% of the time its pissed off, 10% of the time its hard up.  The other 5% of the time itís in the hole.  It also has 2 dependents that are nuts.
                                                                        Sincerely yours
                                                                        Internal Revenue

Ex9.  Boy, I hope you donít read any of this garbage to others.  I donít really have a dirty mind, itís everyone else I know.  5:00am why is Nancy Reagan always on top when they do it?  Because Ronnie only know how to fuck up.  When I was a child bride of 17 years. I nearly drove Buck crazy making him tell me dirty jokes, because I had never heard any.  My parents never heard me say a bad word until I had 2 kids and a big fish got off my hook.  Even shocked me.

It took me 2 years to learn to smoke.  Wonder how long it will take to quit.  I was 22 yrs and thatís pretty stupid.  Hope they donít put me away.  It wouldnít do any good.  Iíve told you more about me than I ever told anyone else.  I always just clam up.  You only get this much because I can write it and I trust you.  Your always good to me even when Iím being a bitch.  Buck was that way, he put up with a lot of crap before he got me raised.  Itís daylight guess Iíll lay down for a while.

Ex11.  Good Morning.  I hope you have a nice peaceful day, another word, I hope I get through today without pestering you.  I think I just like listening to you talk.  Still gonna shoot that hound.  Not sure Iím going to let you read this book already threw some pages away.  Guess I should strain myself and dust some.  I can write my name on all my junky furniture.  Think Iíll have another cup of tea while I think about doing anything that drastic!    Later

Ex12.  I wish then would shine and someone would go to the beach with me.  I feel so sad when I go alone.  Maybe theyíre right and I should move elsewhere, but I would still be alone.  I am so tired.  When we got married I couldnít cook anything but chocolate chip cookies.  My Mother only allowed me in the kitchen to clean, and I only took business courses in school.  He was so good about eating burnt or otherwise ruined meals.  I did finally do okay.  They gave me sodium pentothal with Cindy after 12 hours of hard labor and I laid there apologizing to the world for my cooking.

Ex13.  The first 2 years we were married we lost a baby boy, 3 of my grandparents, 2 of his grandparents, one of his sisters and his father plus several aunts & uncles.  He got so upset with it all he threw his suit away.  Then we had to move to town and he became a cop who had never been in a bar.  He never did enjoy living in town.  Was a good copy always working or in schools worked up to assistant chief but still couldnít talk the city council into a retirement plan.  So went to Siskin County as a resident deputy coroner, hurt his back again after only 9 months.  And that ended career and retirement plans.

Ex14.  Called Dr. McIver,
ďSure hope he knows Iím all talk.Ē  If I was Ten years younger and 20 lbs. lighter he might have a problem to get rid of.  Really XXX a nice man.  ďNever flirted with anyone before, kinda fun Better behave myself so we can be friends, cause I really need a friend.  I feel awfully sick, hope the ear infection medicine is helping.  Temp 100į.

Ex.15 ďCome to think about it I am shocked at myselfĒ Better knock it off.  I donít honestly know how to handle things.  Too much protection and no sophistication.

Ex. 16
Have to laugh every time I think of well-dressed Dr McIver with trooper. He definitely doesnít know about bull headed hounds. Iíve allowed myself to get too dependent on that man. He could probably help me quit smoking, stopping was always easy before, but now everything is crazy. They never have tasted so good. I only started because all the cops wives did. Never did master coffee though. Do a good job of cussing now, too.

Ex. 17
The roof of my mouth is so sore.  Wasnít that way before the ear infection medicine.  I sure am lonesome tonight.  We had our children young expecting to have our own time together later, now the time and I donít know how alone.  When I think that I had surgery so I could car a baby, I wish I had never done that.  You worked so hard so they could have a nice home and belong to everything like you did and I didnít.  They didnít appreciate it one bit.

Iím not eating, am exercising, still not losing weight.  Not trying for slim, plump would be just fine.  Can think of things to write, but wonít.  Maybe being this lonesome distorts thinking and feelings.  I feel so sick, bet Dr. Lee is on call.  God, Iím falling apart.  Help me, please.  Donít want to be locked up.  I know what thatís like.  Would rather be dead.

Temperature is 99į, throat hurts, got a ton of crud on my tongue.  Since it usually runs from 97įto 98į adds to the lousy feeling.  Both ears feel strange.  Hardly ever get sick, wish someone would spoil me and hold my hand.  Hows that for self-pity?  Gotta go feed Trooper.  God, I feel sick, wouldnít it be funny if I got tonsillitis in my old age.  Hard to swallow.  Would call the Doctor, but donít feel like driving to Newport.
Dr. McIver didnít call last night.  Guess heís fed up with me.  Maybe I should go in the hospital for a few days.  Iím so tired and getting more confused.  I feel like Iíve lost a good friend.  Iím going to miss him.  Heís really been good to me, which I donít deserve.  Dr. McIver, I wish I could afford to keep seeing you, but I have to keep back enough to pay a hear specialist to check Bucks records & tests.  They said that could cost up to $2,000, and I promised him I would do everything I could.

Called Stan to see if I could go in the hospital.  He said they wanted me to go to a mental ward.  Donít have anywhere to turn now.  Am so sick, so lonesome.  Talked to Dr. McIver, that man is a mess.  He kids me into thinking I can be more than an old Grandma who went to pot while taking care of everyone else.  Stan called, said Jerry would see me.  I told him I wasnít up to driving.

This is the first time in my life that Iíve felt like no one loves me, not just sexually, but a caring and kindness.  Donít know how to explain it.  Itís an emptiness.  Had no fun or money last 2 years, but knew I was loved and it was enough.  He worried about how I would handle life alone.  Boy, if heís watching, heíd probably like to kick my rear.  Iím sorry honey, but I miss you so much it hurts all the time.  With all your ups and downs I always assumed there would be another up, not an end.  I Love You

Dear Dr. McIver,
I am so scared and lonely.  Every time I lay down my mind just goes over & over the same thing.  I need him so much.  Please donít let SAIF send me to that place.  Jerry said it was work rehab, but I called them, they said it was mental therapy, which you give me and swimming which I canít do.  I just canít talk to any more people.  They said they were sending you a letter.  Jerry already agreed with them and said if I didnít cooperated they wouldnít pay me anymore.  I canít take it, no one else is getting into my head.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX by saying it might take 5 years to sue Dr. Lee.  I told him then I would live 5 years, but donít really know if I can handle life that long.  I feel he would prefer me to go elsewhere, is he afraid of an investigation.  Buck always sheltered & protected me so much.  Iím so lost, Please help me.  Slept about 45 min.  Woke in cold sweat.  Heard him call honey loudly.  Am I doing something wrong?

Today Iíll start taking vitamins, am getting run down.  Guess I could go to the local quack and get diet pills, but probably better off fat.  My honey could take off 30obs real fast but it always takes me about 6 weeks to lose the first pound.  Am I boring you as much as I am me?  If Trooper keeps on heís gonna end up buried in one of his holes he digs.  Getting depressed, talk to you later.  Found the pain pills I had stashed, think Iím higher than a kite.  Too bad thereís no one to enjoy feeling good with Bye.

Just talked to Mary on the phone.  Feel so sorry for her having her daughter move back home.  It never works.  Cindy moved back home so many times with and without husbands.  We even bought a small rent house once to get them out of our house.  We thought it would stop when we moved into the cabin.  Just got more crowded until the final fight.  Wish I could help her, it sounds like itís going to be a dirty battle.  I know itís none of my business.  Maybe they can afford it better than we could.

Last page, maybe something interesting will happen, wait & see.  Iím coming apart, couldnít get words to come, sort of like stuttering.  Scary, shaking.  Being picked apart by Doctors and Lawyers.  Too late to call Dr. McIver.  Probably couldnít talk anyway.  Maybe be better tomorrow.  God help me please.  Honey Iím scared.  Come get me please please.  7:00am still up, still here.  Sounds like Iíll have to go steady with Dr. McIver for a while.

XXXXXXXXX talk right with the Elavil.  If SAIF doesnít pay Iíll have to stop and pay up, its $800 (at least).  I canít afford help.  Canít write what Iím feeling.  Wish someone would understand how this scares me.  Slept about 6 hours, donít know how I sound yet, face and hands feel tingly and weak.  Mouth not as sore, maybe Iím better.  Head hurts.  Taking 2 pain pills.  So lonesome.  Listen to records again.  Getting shaky again.  Canít write.  Honey, I lose you over and over every day.  The pain and fear is fresh & new each day.  I miss you so damn.

XXXXXXXXX person without you.  And getting to dependent on Dr. McIver, if you were here you would know.  But if you were here I wouldnít be seeing Dr. McIver at all.  I want to check out and listen to your tapes, but Iím afraid of the pain of hearing your voice.  Knowing your really gone.  Well, Hilda, my neighbor cam over.  Iím still talking like a drunk.  Guess maybe Iím having a breakdown.  Donít know what to do about it.  Canít see Dr. McIver until Tuesday.  Hope I donít get any worse.  Wouldnít be able to handle it.  I think my mind is still okay, just canít control my speech.  Would be funny if it wasnít so scary.  God, please help me.

XXXXXXX Mary said to take an Elavil see if I calm down some 4:10pm.  Sometimes my whole left side jerks.  Mostly itís my throats jumping and jerking, also feels like it has a rock in it.   Itís hard to get the words out.  The Elavil doesnít stop it.  7:30pm my hands are shaky.  Sometimes I bite the inside of my mouth when it jumps the wrong way.  My Mother just called again, at first I talked better, then got worse again.  Maybe the Elavil helps some.  9:50 took another Elavil.  See Dr. McIver Mon 2:00pm.

Ex.31 Ė Cover of tablet (ďTAKE TO McIverĒ) we donít have it.

Hi Honey, I went to see Dr. McIver today.  He helps me just by being.  He has 4 very nice looking children, one is adopted.  Remember when we thought about adopting a boy, it would have been nice.  I guess someone else in your family will have to give us another Buck.  I am so sorry I lost our first, because that was our boy and you wanted a son so bad.  Remember when we got Cindy her first Leviís, size 0.  Then you taught both girls to enjoy fishing and camping.  You were such a good Father you never stopped giving and loving.

I wish I could be as good and caring of everyone as you always were.  You gave your all to so many people over the years from the richest to the poorest and the best to the weakest.  I hope a few of them remember now and then.  Honey, I am so lonely for you.  Sitting here in the floor without you in the chair or in the bed just isnít right.  Thereís a void.  Iím going to go thru your tapes.  Maybe thereís one left on pain and weight control by you.  I hope so.  Back hurts, gonna put my fee up, Love you.  Betty.

Ex.34  8:00pm Sunday
Have a migraine, feel like pulling my left eye out.  Back & shoulder hurt on left side too.  With my Honey was here.  We tried to take care of each other.  Love and support help so much.  I wish I had his intelligence and guts.  Just having his hand to hold gave me love and strength.  He felt that too.  Iím having a hot flash or something.  Help me Honey, I Love You.

I wish I could afford to call someone to talk to.  Canít take more pills, feel like they would come back up.  Iíve got to start thinking of some kind of work.  Donít think Dr. McIver can get me on Social Security.  I feel like my nerves are going to pieces.  Am I going to lose the cabin?  I feel so guilty.  Will call Dr. Robbins in the morning, ask for some Sinequarn or Linbatrol.

Ex.36  3:00am Mon.
Finally threw up.  This happens once or twice every week.  Last week went on for 2 days & nights.  I guess Iím all out of whack.  Now, if I could just get sleepy.  Itís a wonder the T.V. keeps working on its 24 hr schedule (such spelling).  Iím reading at least 1 book a day, trying to block the pain & loneliness.  Oh well, back to Nero Wolfe.

Honey, I wish God would let me join you.  Today was terrible.  Theyíre coming at me in all directions.  If I could be with you, the relatives could take care of their own wants and the State and Dr. Lee, Dr. Robbins and Dr. McIver would all have one less problem.  Then I wouldnít have any.  I know this is selfish but Iím tired of it all.  If my back would quit hurting Iíd just get any job that came along.  Iím not lonely for people, just for you.

Dr. Robbing lies, SAIF lies, and Iím beginning to wonder about everyone else.  You know years ago I thought nice people were nice.  I was a slow learner, now Iím feeling paranoid.  Remember I told you that no one but you really cared about my well being and you were supposed to stay with me, you promised.  I know you didnít want to go yet.  God, I feel so guilty.  Stan Ferguson called the other day.  They all sound so defensive, like theyíre not sure they did all they could.  We Know!!

My heart hurts so much.  I was never aggressive, and without you thereís no reason why sane for XXXXX we canít take or a dinner you canít eat or anything I canít share with you.  Chester & Evelyn are in Canada on their way to Alaska I dread when they get here this year, it just wonít be the same.  I know itís nice of them to still come, but itís only gonna hurt without you.  Your sister in Arkansas wrote but I donít have anything to say to her that wouldnít hurt, so I donít write at all.  Your sister in LA is wonderful as always.  She understands so much.

Dr. Robbins didnít call as usual.  Dr. McIver didnít call, hope heís okay.  I made some calls and took care of part of the problems myself.  If I could pay for the house I would just stay here and not see any of them again.
                                                                        I Love You
                                                                        My Honey
                                                                        Good night
We had a lot of problems.  Our life was full of storms.  Whatís left of good in life now that half the love is gone.  I wonder how many honey cops there have been that are never remembered by the fools they watch over?

Yesterday I met Judith Lee from State Comp.  She said Iím not to go to the Callahan Center.  Dr. Robbins and SAIF say I go.  What am I to do?  Dr. McIverís nurse said Dr. Robbins nurse said he was keeping me on SAIF for 6 more months.  I wish someone would tell me in person whatís going on.  If he gets mad and says Iím stable to them my check stops.  State comp. says I should find out first so they can help me get a job.  My ankles are swollen, my brain has shrunk.  I could sure use your help right now as usual.  Later My Honey.

Well, the cabin will always just be a cabin, but it looks better since the neighbor painted the living room & kitchen.  I wish you could see it.  We had so looked forward to that and the nice weather so you could get better and enjoy our little home with me.  Iím so proud to have shared your love and good & bad times for 29 years.  You taught and helped me from a shy, scared 12 year old to a not so dumb 46 years old.  You had a hard youth and I had hoped you could have peace and some fun before ending our time.  I thank you for all you gave me.  I damn many Doctors for what they took from you.

The tears of love wonít quit falling today.  God, How I miss you.  Itís hard to breathe.
 I wonder if I could keep it together 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I think I could manage by small payments to everyone and give up the credit cards.  Is there a 6 hour a day job out there in the right field.  A woman is going up in the Challenger, I know you were very interested.  Iíll keep track for you.  Hope to join you before too much longer.
                                                                        Love you
Boxing promoter Don King is on One on One.  He is a convicted killer, why is he there and you gone.  Remember when you met & clashed with Bobby Kennedy over the Czar Chavez mess.  He was really trying even if in the wrong way.  Do good people really die young?  I wish I had the brains to write your life story.  Itís worthwhile and interesting you would have done it soon.  You knew all sides of life.  Iíve obviously taken enough of something.  Mind is bouncing around!  Back still hurts.  Later Honey

Iím reading Agatha Christie while watching T.V. but your right here in my heart.  I pretend at night your there in bed, but I canít find anything you need.  I wake up sometimes and go to check if you took your first insulin shot for the day.  You had so many extra problems you didnít need on top of everything else.  I know you wondered how much more you could handle.  I wondered too
9 yrs Rheumatic fever Untreated appendicitis
20 Emergency Appendectomy
24 Depressed skull fracture brain concussion
15 Crushed discs Ėuntreated low back
33 Low back surgery Ė failure
35 Low back fusion Ė addiction Ė failure
37 Re-injury after 2 years of rehab, mental and physical
44 Cracked fusion
46 Fractured vertebrae
47 XXXX XXXX, pneumonia, dehydration
48 pneumonia, heart failure, fluid on lungs, enlarged heart, heart attacks.

Am watching pocket billiards on the sports channel.  I wish you were here to make some mess and need meals cooked.  I havenít cooked a meal since March 5 and still carry around my 1 ashtray like always.  I know I would XXXXX as always, but wouldnít it be fun, you could ignore me as usual, knowing I really enjoyed being a homemaker.  You were so careful with your body and clean insulin and pain shots.  I just canít understand.  An ambulance crew would have given you better care.

Ex.47 Theyíre showing the 2nd round of the U.S. Open for the 4th time today.  Reading Christie almost finished.  Did the exercises I could, tired, not sleepy.  More summer people are coming back.  Trooper is howling enough to irritate a lot of people, but their not sure he canít get out.  Heís very protective for a bloodhound.  The old man still brings his dashound to visit through the fence.  They look so funny.  Mama & Daddy would still like me to lose the house and come down there.  They have each other.  Things sure worked backwards.  I love them, but would rather have you and they know it for sure.  Later Honey

Remember this year when we were considering getting into motel management for a few years until we got our finances cleared up again.  We could have done it, too.  You always came up with good ideas or deals.  With you I could do anything.  Without you, its hard to even want to.  Self confidence was never my high point.  You had it for both of us.  I need you for that extra push.  Such a love and partnership we had.  I really believed you couldnít die.  Iím guilty for not getting better care for you.  Iíll handle that after I handle those others.  I Love You

Ex.49  4AM
Well, honey in Ĺ hr weíll send our first woman into space.  The Pope is in Poland again.  Your right, heís the most important person in the world today.  He has a chance to work for freedom.  Maybe our grandchildren will benefit someday.  First weíve got to get rid of Reagan and at least get a less crooked President if theres any around.  If they keep on there will be no middle class at all in this country.  Remember when thatís what we were.  You kept us there against such odds as long as possible.  Later Honey

Ex.50  5:30AM
I want to use the gun.  Is there anyone who would really care.  I miss you so much
                      I Love You
                      No one to talk to
                      Help please
                      Take more

Well, Iím still here, just a headache for my trouble.  Donít you want me either?  I feel at a deadend.  Liz called from Carlsbad today, said they would pay my plane fare if I would come back there for a long visit, tried to tell her I was tied up with to much.  It was really nice of them.  Mama & Daddy called tonight and want me to sell the house and come to Modesto.  I said no, but will try to visit for a few days soon.

My sister-in-lay in L.A. called this evening.  My face was twitching and jerking so bad she thought I had a stroke.  Called Dr. Robbins, he says itís just my general condition, nerves.  I hope my parents donít call tonight.  Daddy sounded this way after his stroke for a time.  I wouldnít want to worry them Donít like the Elavil, it makes my mouth dry and affects my vision.  Hope I and get Soc.Sec. this may just take longer than I thought.  Got to find the middle of the road again, and my friend I need your help.  Dr. Robbins asked today if I thought you helped me.  I told him it gave me someone to flirt with and you help me a lot because I can talk to you about everything.  Check on S.A.I.F.
Why is it:  you always make me laugh and feel a little better for a while.  Even my hands are shaking, just like Iím shaking inside.  Iíve got to have some sleep soon or else.  Iím so dumb, I told Mary I wasnít going to call you and that just what I did.  I wonít do it again.  Even write like a drunk.  Iím listening to Roger Whittaker records.  He 2 Elavil and 2 pain pills knocked me out, slept 2 hrs.  Well, thatís better than nothing.  Having Cherry yogurt, still donít like it.  Mouth is to sore to eat real food.  Tastes lousy.  I should be losing weight by now.
                                          Jerkiness is worse
                                                                  July 9, 1983

Ex.54  11:10PM
Hands are still shaking.  Throat and mouth jerking, not as bad.  Not talking helps some.  Back is hurting.  Taking 2 pain pills.  Tried to think what caused this.  Should I talk to Cindy?  Her father would.  Just donít want to get hurt anymore.  Maybe it will be gone tomorrow.
Watching the Rodeo on the sports channel.  Bull riding on first.  Not sleepy, wish I was.  Donít know which part of me is going to jump next.  My parents want me to come and stay with them, I told them I needed your help right now, my hand is really shaking now.
Itís really warm tonight.  Every time I think itís over my throat or mouth jerks again.  2:00AM

Ex.55  2:00PM
I think its settling down some now.  Hope it stops, need to go to the store.  Also have to finish getting the car fixed before I get stranded somewhere.  So lonesome.
Gonna try laying down.
Helped my back to lay down, but that rock in my throat stayed on choke.  Makes it hard to breathe.  I still canít see a future without my honey, miss him all the time.  I guess thatís partly because I donít want a future without him.  Dr. McIver, your being so good to me and for me.  Donít know why, but will always appreciate it.  Somehow, will pay you, donít think SAIF is going to.  Thank you again.  Itís 5:30AM.  See ya later

Slept about 2 hours.  I think Iím talking okay.  Will call Mary and see for sure.  Might not need to go in today.  Itís hard to to tell until I talk to someone else.  Mouth is still sore, guess that will take time.  Hands still want to shake.  Wonder if Dr. McIver knows Dr. Oss.  He used to be at the college in Ashland.  Had almost forgotten him, one of the many I wouldnít talk to in 1970.  Throat is starting to jump again.  Was beginning to think I had actually been cured by phone.  Now, thatís pretty stupid.  Iíve got to get my head together.  Canít afford to (lost my train of thought) anyhow canít afford anything.

Honey, I wish you were here.  We waited so long for nice weather, so you would feel like going to the beach or anywhere besides Doctor & Hospital.  You had such a hard year.  I know in my heart you donít hurt now, but Iím selfish, still want you with me all the time.  This past week itís been like stilling on the fence between sanity & insanity, not knowing which way I would fall.  You would understand, having been on that fence.  I know you wouldnít want me to be this big a mess, and Iím trying to shape up.  Donít understand what caused this
                                                  I Love You.

Ex. 58   12:00
Dr. McIver,
     Went to get gas early to see how I drove.  All I can say is I made it back home.  Really shaky on the road.  Think I can answer my own question a million pages ago.  Yes, Iím too dependent on you.  Now that Iíve latched on, how do I let go?  I canít even understand my trusting you, I never have anyone before.  My back is hurting, but donít think I should take anything at all until I get back am already shaky enough.  Am beginning to feel sorry for you, having me to put up with.  Better get ready.  Somethings wrong with the car.  Should leave a little early.

Ex.59  2:00AM
Dear Dr. McIver,
          I am trying, really I am.  I went to bed at 9:30, have been up and down ever since.  Every time I close my eyes I see Buck slowly dying and Dr. Lee helping him along the way.  I simply must have some answers.  I would have called you but its always so late by the time Iím desperate.  I could call my parents but I got another $110 phone bill.  Yesterday I walked and walked, but the right person just wasnít there.  I miss him more all the time.

Today I took everything out of the kitchen and cleaned from top to bottom.  My next door neighbor is going to paint.  So, I hope.  The living room is full of dishes and junk.  I hope you had a good weekend with your family, that is so important.  We had to even arrange Christmas around a Policemans shift for 13 years.  Holidays were always the busy time.  We usually went to dinner on our Anniversary, just Chinese usually, then a walk on the beach.  Itís so lonesome.  He collected agates and polished them with a small grinder.

Could the strict diet plus liquid small measured and refused to take the fluid off his lungs have caused his heart attack.  Plus taking the same amount of insulin.  Should have continued monitoring and oxygen.  Should he have been referred to a heart specialist by Dr. Lee or even Dr. Robbins.

I have injured my back.  The pain gets severe if I drive at all, sit in chair to long.  Pain in rear & legs if I lay down very long.  I do 1 part of housework per day or none at all.  I am beginning to know a little of his pain.  I will not have a milogram or surgery.  I have a lot of good reasons and real fears.  I feel Iím becoming a real nut case.  Iím having migraines 1 or 2 times every week now.  I guess this is a way of talking to myself.

Does anyone who has not lived in pain that worsens for various reasons over a period of 33 years honestly blame that person for wanting relief when it is possible.  He had never Doctor hopped.  He does not drink.  He has a hard time with medicine and has always been honest about it.  I was told he would likely die from depressed fracture and brain concussion when he was 24 years old.  He supported
Ex.64 his family as a Policeman a lot of years after that and refused pain meds.  I was told he would be in perfect shape after back surgery.  Complete failure in 3 months.  He kept working 3 more years.  I was told he would be fine after fusion.  Complete failure.  More pain than ever.  He was told never to let a surgeon touch his back again by several specialists.  Also has ruptured discs in upper back.

I took the blood sample to hospital.  Saw Dr. Lee visiting at nurses station, got a dirty look as usual.  I feel they would be happy if he died and I disappeared.  I know I blow off there at times.  Buck is all I live for.  He is not a piece of dirt under their feet.  No one wants him to have less pain than he himself.

Buck went to the office on Mon 2-21-83.  Had severe chest and back pain 3 days.  Examined by Stan Dr. Lee never bothered to see him.  We were scared.  He was told he had pneumonia, enlarged heart, heart failure and fluid in the lungs.  Sent home with no follow up visit.  Dr. Lee also sent message that your treatment of medicine was probably responsible for part of his problem.
If you read this, please donít blame him.  These are my thoughts and my hang ups.  He doesnít know Iím writing it.  I canít talk easily and I donít want Buck to lose you, because he needs you for his health and friendship.

I usually miss one or two nights of sleep a week.  Things pile up in my head and I canít ignore them because they are real.  There has to be relief for at least part of his pain, but how do I find the place and the Doctors and the money.  He always said he would give all his money for relief.  Well, he gave it over & over.  Can help come after the money is all gone.

Ex.69   Dr. Lee
      1.   Why was Buck sent home on Feb 21 when he said he was having a heart
           attack.  You sent message he had enlarged hear, heart failure, fluid on lungs &
           pneumonia.  Sent home with antibiotics & XXXXXX pills, you didnít even bother
           seeing him.
      2.   Same scene on second visit. Did see a Doctor.
      3.   I put him in hospital on March 5. Good care over weekend.

      4.   Why did you harass him about the medication Dr. Robbins was giving him.  Told
           him Dr. Robbins would lose his license if he didnít quit most of his medicine.
           That really upset him.
      5.  Why did you take him out of Intensive Care, even tried to take away Oxygen.
           Moved him every day and took away monitor and other life saving devices each
           day. Finally had him babysitting a patient of your wifes.  He was extremely
           agitated about that.  You told him he could smoke when he needed oxygen.  He
           quit to spite you.  He knew you didnít XXXX
      6.    Why did the nurse not try to revive him.  Said he was afraid he would have brain
           damage.  None of his business.  Also said everyone knew Buck would die in that
           3 week period.  If so why wasnít I told.  Why did you tell Dr. Willam J. Baggs that
          Buck was fine.  Why didnít you relieve the fluid on his lungs you said the x-ray
         showed it was positively necessary but didnít do it because he didnít look that
         bad.  (Stupid).
You took away my honey forever and didnít even have a word of comfort.  Was it hard on you to miss 15 min sleep to call from your home and make a cold statement of death?  I think you need counseling on being a human and more training on being a doctor!  Why have oxygen sitting on counter across from bed.  What good could that do.

I miss you so much and need your advice every day.  I wish to god that Dr. Robbins had been here.  I think you would be with me then.  I threw one of my mad fits at the Drs..  Called and apologized when I got myself together.  Walked out of the bank today instead of waiting for an answer.  Tried to eat in a restaurant left there too.  Got hysterical the other night.  Tried to call Jerry, Dr. Lee was on call.  Finally passed out for a while.

I love you so much that I feel lost most of the time.  We always said it took both of us to make one, well this half isnít doing very good.  Most of you family is so wealthy & self- sufficient they canít understand how lost I feel.  Iva is the only one who understands.  My parents donít really understand but you know that.  Got letter from Nicki, sheís having a hard time losing her Grandpa.

Dr. McIver
Took sleeping pill at 4:45May 10.  Filled out forms for Social Security Fed your dog.  Eyes tested no glaucoma.  Itís a good thing I have a left eye.  It does all the work.  Canít afford this.  Took 1st pain pill of day at 6pm.  Back is bad.  Have to lay down for a while.  7:30 back still hurts.  Cried for no reason.  So lonesome.

Ex.76  12:10 am  awake
Thinking, worrying, smoking too much stop smoking, canít afford donít need
Income of 1957
Bills of 1983
Fun Fun Fun
Now my ankles are swollen, ask if Dr. McIver likes paintings Ė Give him one if so.  12:30 Ė Switch to basketball.  Lakers lost

Letís see, shall I have a can of chili or a can of chili.  Guess Iíll have chili.  Took off bra, look like hell, but eases back some.  Got to lose 25lbs. not with a can of chili you wonít.  Watched The A Team.  Better get the bills out and make payments.  If thereís any left Iíll call the dentist tomorrow.  Started the day with over 600 ended with almost 100.

Ex.78 10:15 pm   Back hurts
Watching T.V.  Wrote a letter to parents.  Late news is on now.
516.39 spent by 11th
+190. Glasses
Monthly income 448.04
No more long distance calls $98
Push Realtors to sell the 10 acres!!  $25
                                                          $7,000 Ė owe $3,000
                                                          Come out with $3,300
                                                          $6,500 Ė owe 3,000
                                                          Come out with 2,850
                                                          Not good but would get rid of payment and taxes
                                                                                                            $25   about $90
Getting agitated.
Could taking away medicine cutting food, leaving insulin the same cause seizure, shock, heart attack?  1800 calories to 1200 or 1000 Had taken Endural & Diazid until July 1982.
What the hell.  Doctors lie to protect each other.  Probably a lost cause.
So unfair

Keep fighting, youíve fought Doctors, Nurses and Hospitals over his life before.  Should have sued on 3 previous times.  Donít quit yet.
                                                                                            Buck wouldnít
Tell Dr. McIver to get carpet tape for his tapestry.
2:30AM Try bed again.  Slept from about 3-8:30

Just got a Motherís Day card from Amy, Johnny & Heidi.  Their papa waiting so long to hear that they were okay, why now?  Does Cindy think I was left some insurance or did her guilt finally come through?  Iíll write the babies but not her.  It hurts too much.  She was our Indian girl, dark & pretty & very bright.  Patty was our little pale-face, not too sharp, but very loving.  Iíll call Patty, have to talk to someone.  Call Dr. McIver okay

I got a card from our lost grandchildren.  I wish it had happened a lot sooner.  I know how much you loved them and missed them.  I donít know just where I failed raising our girls, especially Cindy.  In the letter you wrote Iva the day before you went away, you told her I saved your life when I put you in the hospital.  I feel like I killed you.  I seem to have failed everyone I loved the most.  Did I tell you I found the only letter you ever
Ex.83 wrote me.  It was funny then because you called every night, but Iím glad I have it.  You said you would spend the rest of your life making me happy.  You did that always even in the rough spots.
                     I love you
p.s.  you know how I would never talk to anyone about myself unless it helped you.  I have found, with Jerryís help someone I can talk to about some things.  It helps.  You would like him.  He could have helped you with the drugs.

Tonight I feel so much worse mentally.  I wish I could get rid of all the hate and resentment.  Some of it is years old I know he was right and forgiveness would be better.  I still hate everyone who ever hurt him.
                          Some of the Baggs
                          My own daughter
                          Dr. Chambers
                          Dr. Lee
                          Several nurses
                          My Mother at times she never wanted children.
                                                             Too bad she had the 2nd one.

Ex.85 9:20 Buck hurts.
Taking 1 #4 2 Tylenol.
Guess Iíll put on my old MuMu and watch the murder mystery on the floor.  Wish it would quit hurting every day.  Maybe if I lose weight it will help.  I need you to hold me, I miss you.
                          48 years
                          33 years of pain

Ex.86 11:30AM Back still bad
Taking extra #4. Better write to Chester & Evelyn
1:00AM  Tried to lay down.  I want him back.  When I get everything done he told me to do Iím going to him.
                          Please help me.

Ex.87  2:00AM
Falling apart.  Took 2 Sinequar.  If that doesnít work, take more until no pain.  Why is everything getting worse no one thinks my back hurts so much.  Karen said take walks that canít cause more pain, waist level.
3:00AM Nerves are calmer
3:30 Getting migraine.  Try laying down with cold washcloth.
So tired.
4:30 try again

5:00AM  I give up.  Will have to call Jerry.  He wonít like this.  Canít make 24 hr days on 2 pain pills.  Have to try something else.  Called Dr. Robbins office, heís gone until next week.  Wonít talk to Leeís.  Called Dr. McIver.  Didnít call back.  Dr. McIver called.  Really helps, love his voice.  Soothing Ė 2 Sinequar
No more writing
Slept Thursday No sleep Friday

Ex.89                                                                               I love you
                                                                                         I want you
                                                                                         I need you
Itís raining again.  It sure is lonesome here without you.  I miss you so very much.  The storm windows are up now and their going to bring a storm door in or 4 weeks.  You would like them, all that should have been done last winter, would have helped your health.  I keep remembering how hopeful you were that last Friday.  You deserved so much more from life and of life.

Getting nervous & upset.  Fed Trooper at least I can talk to him without looking as crazy as I feel.  He misses you even though you couldnít play with him or train him anymore.  Heís still trying to dig to China.  I hope I can afford to keep him he lets me feel more and were so secure.  Should clean house, but no one ever comes.  Sleep after 6:00AM

Ex.91  Sunday afternoon
Trying to think of some of the good times.  Seems like every time we got it all together for a time another accident.  Lose all and start over was sometimes a lot of fun as well as hard work.  Especially the first year in Happy Camp.  As a family we all learned a new way of life and were so close, your favorite year

Monday morning, no sleep again. Really feel like Iím cracking up.

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